Call Now, Operators Are Standing By

As a senior at NC State in the Fall of 1995, I wrote what vaguely passed as a humour column for the TechnicianNCSU’s student newspaper. One day I’d love to do something like it again, but for now, like Charlie Brown’s Dad, reposting them here 10 years later is my form of sitting at the kitchen table, eating bran flakes and looking at old highschool yearbooks

These columns have been preliminarily reproduced here in original form. Printed, they make great bathroom reading material. I recommend HP Glossy Paper. Less chafing.

This week, in a bold, fresh, exciting way, we are taking this column on yet another foray into journalistic excellence. In an unprecedented move, we are allowing you the audience the opportunity to call in and influence the future direction of this column. For only $399.95 per call, you have this once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have your voice heard (and my tuition increase paid). We have set up a special hotline center in a elevator stuck between the 8th and 9th floors of D.H. Hill Library, and Milo is waiting patiently with his Casio calculator wristwatch, to record the vote of all 6.5 of our estimated column readers.

We pause here for station identification.

Wait! in yet another unprecedented move, we have the results available in the very same column! (Please note: responses simulated because we couldn’t afford the representative from the accounting firm, and if we really had posted the numbers we probably would have gotten sued for copyright infringement by the Pyschic Friends Network, and, above all, no one was really sure what “foray” meant).

So, without further ado, or even a stray nonny – nonny, here are the results:

5 people said they could honestly care less.

1 person told us where we could go. We aren’t really sure where exactly it was, but it sounded like somewhere in the greater Chicago area.

1 person said keep the swimsuit competition, but only if Milo wears his Casio calculator wristwatch.

The jury is still out on exactly where the other half person showed up from, and what exactly their vote was.

Speaking of juries, we have been asked why we don’t deal with relevant, and serious news topics in this column, like the kind you read in the Weekly World News, The Star, or The News and Observer.

The problem is, the most relevant and serious news story of our day is the OJ Trial, and we have resolved that this column is a “No OJ, None of the time.” column. This is, of course, mostly because we are really sick of the prosecution and the defense insulting each other. But since we try our best here to please the reading audience, here is our synopsis of the OJ Trial in four sentences.

Clark: “Your honor, the defense is a bunch of no-good money grubbing lawyers.”

Cochran: “I know you are, but what am I”

Clark: “I’m rubber and you’re glue, what you say bounces off me and sticks to you.”

Ito: “Contempt of Court! You’re both fined $1000, and (ed. something about going somewhere in the greater Chicago area, but we’re not real sure)”

Jason Young is a Senior majoring in the link between Shakespeare and School House Rock lyrics. He’s currently studying, Hey Nonny, Nonny, Get Your Adverbs here.